When Helping Hurts — The Problem With Enabling

He was thirty-one. Healthy. Educated. And consistently unable to hold a job for more than three months, because he knew that no matter what happened, the money would come.

"I just don't want him to suffer," she said.

I could also see, very clearly, she was funding his inability to grow. Her help had become his obstruction.

The Fine Line Between Support and Enabling

Helping moves someone toward independence. Enabling removes the consequence that would otherwise motivate change.

Why We Enable

Most enabling is rooted in love, fear, and the inability to tolerate another person's discomfort. But the person we are rescuing never gets to discover that they are capable of more.

Especially in Nigerian Families

Loving someone well sometimes means allowing them to face a consequence that teaches them what your rescuing never could.