Stop Telling Your Child to Man Up

Chidi was nine years old when his father caught him crying over a scraped knee and said, "Stop that. Men don't cry."

Chidi is now thirty-four. He doesn't cry. He is very good at not crying.

He is also very good at not asking for help, not admitting he is struggling, and he is slowly, quietly, falling apart.

What We Do to Boys

We train boys — in Nigerian homes — to suppress emotion so thoroughly that by adulthood, many of them have no healthy language for what they feel.

We tell them strong. We tell them don't be soft. We tell them be a man — as if manhood is achieved by feeling less.

And then we are surprised when they can't communicate in their marriages. When they react to emotional pain with aggression or withdrawal.

Emotion Is Not Gender-Specific

Every human being has an emotional life. Feelings do not check gender at the door. When we deny boys that permission, we are not making them stronger. We are making them more dangerous — to themselves and to the people who love them.

What to Say Instead

Tell your son: "It's okay to cry. Tears don't make you less of anything." Tell him: "Strong people ask for help."